Introduction
Hello and welcome. In our last lesson, we established the difference between hierarchical and non-hierarchical polyamory, focusing on how relationships are prioritized. We saw that non-hierarchical approaches aim to avoid ranking partners, allowing each relationship to develop more organically.
Today, we'll explore two philosophies that take the principles of autonomy and self-determination to their logical conclusion. Our goal is to describe solo polyamory and relationship anarchy, contrasting their approaches to autonomy and relationship categorization. These models challenge some of the most fundamental assumptions about what relationships "should" look like, and understanding them is key to designing a framework that truly fits your individual needs.
What is Solo Polyamory?
Solo polyamory is a relationship style centered on personal autonomy. The core idea is that the individual sees themselves as their own primary partner. This doesn't mean a lack of commitment or intimacy with others, but rather a conscious choice to not pursue traditional relationship milestones that merge one's life with a partner's, such as cohabitation, marriage, or combining finances.
The mind map below offers a great visual summary of this philosophy, separating the commitment to self (the 'solo' part) from the capacity to love others (the 'polyamorous' part).
To delve deeper into this concept, let's turn to a short reading.
What Is Solo Polyamory? Debunking the Term's Biggest Myths
The following article, 'What Is Solo Polyamory?', provides a clear definition and addresses a common point of confusion: how this style differs from more casual arrangements.
Please read the first two sections, titled 'What is solo polyamory?' and 'How is this different from casual dating or friends with benefits?'. Focus on the role of intentionality and the rejection of the 'relationship escalator'.
As the article highlights, the key is intentionality. Solo polyamory is not simply "being single while dating multiple people." A person practicing solo polyamory may have deeply committed, long-term, and emotionally intimate relationships. The "solo" aspect refers to their life structure and maintaining their independence, not the depth of their connections.
It's also important to distinguish identifying as solo polyamorous from being single and polyamorous. As the author of the Minka Guides article "Solo polyamory: how it differs from being single" points out, someone who is single and polyamorous may still be seeking a "nesting partner" to cohabitate with and entangle their lives. A solo polyamorous person, by definition, is not seeking that kind of partnership.
What is Relationship Anarchy?
While solo polyamory is a relationship style, relationship anarchy (RA) is a broader philosophy. It applies the principles of anarchism to all interpersonal connections, rejecting any and all forms of hierarchy, social expectations, and predetermined rules.
A core tenet of RA is that romantic and sexual relationships are not inherently more important than platonic or familial ones. Each relationship is unique and is built from the ground up by the people involved, based on their own values and desires.
To get a feel for this philosophy, please watch this introductory clip.
Polyamory, Relationship Anarchy & Queerplatonic Partnerships: Are They Really the Same Thing?
The following video, from Meghan Sandor-Schielke, introduces the core ideas behind relationship anarchy, framing it as a radical rejection of cultural scripts.
Please watch the segment from 15:30 to 17:57. Pay close attention to how the presenter explains the rejection of hierarchy and the questioning of why society prioritizes romantic relationships.
Relationship anarchy is often summarized by a manifesto with several core tenets. The video you just watched goes on to discuss nine of them. Here is a summary of the key principles:
- Love is abundant, and every relationship is unique. No relationship has to fit a specific mold to be valid.
- Love and respect instead of entitlement. No one is entitled to control another person, regardless of the history or feelings between them.
- Find your core set of relationship values. Define what is important to you, independent of social norms.
- Customize your commitments. Design commitments based on what you and your partner(s) genuinely want, not on a pre-existing template.
- Change through communication. Assume nothing. Build relationships on a foundation of open, honest conversation about everything.
- Trust is better. Assume your partners mean well and communicate directly about needs and feelings rather than making assumptions.
To make this abstract philosophy more concrete, many people use a tool like the "Relationship Anarchy Smörgåsbord."
Think of it as a menu. Instead of ordering a pre-set "marriage" or "friendship" package, you and the other person go through the menu together and decide, item by item, what your unique connection will consist of. This directly supports your goal of building a personalized framework.
Contrasting the Concepts
While solo polyamory and relationship anarchy share a focus on autonomy, they are not the same. They can overlap—a person can be both—but their core principles differ in scope and focus.
The following reading provides a concise contrast.
Solo polyamory: how it differs from being single | Minka Guides
This brief excerpt from Minka Guides clearly distinguishes between the two concepts.
Please read the section titled 'How does it differ from relationship anarchy?'.
To summarize the key distinctions:
| Feature | Solo Polyamory | Relationship Anarchy |
|---|---|---|
| Scope | A style for romantic/sexual relationships. | A philosophy for all relationships (romantic, platonic, familial, etc.). |
| Core Principle | Autonomy: The individual is their own primary partner. | Anti-Hierarchy: Rejects all social scripts and ranking of relationships. |
| Relationship to CNM | A specific form of consensual non-monogamy (CNM). | Does not require non-monogamy. One could be a relationship anarchist in monogamous or platonic relationships. |
Essentially, the main focus of solo polyamory is personal independence within a non-monogamous context. The main focus of relationship anarchy is the deconstruction of all social rules and hierarchies across all of one's relationships.
Conclusion
In this lesson, we have explored two relationship models that prioritize individual freedom and conscious design.
Key Takeaways:
- Solo Polyamory is a non-monogamous relationship style where an individual prioritizes their own autonomy, acting as their own primary partner and typically avoiding traditional relationship milestones like cohabitation or marriage.
- Relationship Anarchy is a broader philosophy that rejects all hierarchies and social scripts, advocating for each relationship (platonic, romantic, or otherwise) to be uniquely designed by the people in it.
- The primary contrast is one of scope and focus: solo polyamory is a style of romantic connection focused on autonomy, while relationship anarchy is a philosophy for all connections focused on dismantling hierarchy.
Preview of the Next Lesson
Both solo polyamory and relationship anarchy require a high degree of explicit communication and agreement-building, since you are not relying on standard social scripts. In our next lesson, we will move from a discussion of structures to a discussion of agreements. We will evaluate the function of prescriptive versus descriptive rules in constructing relationship agreements. This will give you practical tools for defining the "how" of your relationships, no matter the structure.