Self-Assessment for Relationship Choices

1. The Foundation: Assessing Your "Why"

Before exploring what your ideal relationship structure might look like, it's critical to understand why you are drawn to exploring non-monogamy in the first place. Are your motivations coming from a place of fear, or from a desire for growth and expansion? A clear-eyed assessment of your own motivations is the first step.

The video prompts you to move beyond a surface-level "I'm curious" and dig into the specifics of your desires and fears. This process is about uncovering your core values as they relate to intimacy and partnership.

Identifying Your Core Values

Values are the guiding principles that dictate your priorities and decisions. They are the bedrock of your personal philosophy. Understanding your core values helps you build a relationship structure that feels authentic and sustainable, rather than one based on external trends or a partner's desires.

Take a moment to study the following chart. It's a great starting point for putting a name to the principles you hold most dear.

As you look at this chart, ask yourself:

• Which 3-5 of these values resonate most strongly with me when I think about my ideal relationships?
• How might my interest in non-monogamy serve these values? (e.g., Does it serve 'Growth' by pushing me past my comfort zones? Does it serve 'Freedom' by allowing for more autonomy?)
• What are the potential conflicts between my values? (e.g., How do I balance a need for 'Security' with a desire for 'Novelty'?)

This initial step is about defining your personal North Star before you start drawing the map.

2. The Blueprint: Deconstructing Your Needs and Boundaries

Once you have a clearer sense of your core values, the next step is to translate them into more concrete needs and boundaries. What specific elements do you want to include in your relationships? What is off the table?

A brilliant tool for this deconstruction is the Relationship Anarchy Smorgasbord. While it originates from the relationship anarchy community, its utility extends to anyone wanting to design intentional relationships. It breaks down the monolithic concept of "a relationship" into dozens of distinct components that you can pick and choose from, like dishes at a buffet.

Now, let's look at the Smorgasbord itself.

Notice how it separates things we often lump together. For instance, "Physical Intimacy" is distinct from "Sexual," and within the "Domestic" platter, "sharing a dwelling" is separate from "sharing a sleeping space." This granularity is its power. It allows you to identify your needs with a high degree of precision, freeing you from pre-packaged relationship models.

3. Your Self-Assessment Exercise

To bring this all together, we'll use a worksheet to structure your self-assessment. This exercise is for you alone. It is about gaining clarity for yourself first, before ever entering a negotiation with a partner.

Now, use the tools we've discussed to complete the following steps. I recommend writing down your thoughts in a journal or on the worksheet itself.

• Step 1: Articulate Your Values. Based on the values chart and your own reflections, list the top 3-5 core values you want your relationship structures to honor.
• Step 2: Define Your Motivations. Using the "REFLECTIONS" prompts on page 1 of the worksheet, write down your answers to:
  • Motivations: Why am I considering opening up my relationship?
  • Desires: What do I hope to gain?
  • Insecurities: What are my concerns or fears?
  • Resources: What personal resources (time, emotional energy, finances) am I willing to devote? What are my limits?
• Step 3: Map Your Needs. Go through the Relationship Anarchy Smorgasbord image. For at least a few of the "platters" that feel most relevant to you (e.g., Emotional Intimacy, Sexual, Domestic), identify your personal "yes," "no," and "maybe/let's talk" items. This is about discovering your own preferences.
• Step 4: Define Your Boundaries. Using the "Defining Boundaries" table on page 4 of the worksheet, synthesize your thoughts from the Smorgasbord. For each domain (Physical, Emotional, Time, etc.), list a few key boundaries or desires you've identified. For example, under "Emotional Boundaries," you might write, "I need to be able to share deep emotional vulnerability with a primary partner" or "I am not open to my partners forming romantic connections with my close friends."

This structured process moves you from abstract values to concrete, actionable needs and boundaries.

Conclusion

Today we've initiated the deeply personal work of self-assessment, which is the cornerstone of building an ethical and sustainable relationship framework. You have learned to look inward and ask not just what is possible, but what is right for you.

Key Takeaways:

• Self-assessment begins with your 'why'. Understanding your core motivations and distinguishing between fear-based and growth-based desires is the crucial first step.
• Core values are your compass. Articulating values like security, growth, freedom, or connection provides the guiding principles for your relationship choices.
• Deconstruction creates clarity. Tools like the Relationship Anarchy Smorgasbord allow you to break down monolithic relationship categories into specific, negotiable components, helping you to precisely define your needs and boundaries.

Preview of the Next Lesson

Having conducted this initial self-assessment, your next step is to synthesize these reflections into a coherent statement. In our next lesson, we will focus on how to draft a personal relationship philosophy document that articulates your core values and guiding principles. This document will become a personal reference and a powerful tool for future conversations with partners.