Introduction
In our last lesson, we developed protocols for disengaging from deceptive attachment tactics like future faking and breadcrumbing. These strategies operate primarily in a one-to-one dynamic. We now transition into the module on "Social Positioning and Reputational Warfare," where the manipulative landscape becomes more complex, involving multiple players.
Today's focus is on triangulation, a powerful and often insidious strategy for social control. Our objective is to define triangulation and identify how third parties are instrumentalized in online conflicts within your communities. Understanding this concept is crucial for you, as it directly exploits the interconnected nature of the niche communities you operate in, from alternative lifestyle groups to networks of creators and designers. From a systems perspective, which your background in game theory and operations research makes you familiar with, this is the shift from a two-player game to a three-player game—the smallest system in which coalitions can form, alliances can be weaponized, and one person can control the flow of information between two others.
Part 1: The Anatomy of Triangulation
At its core, triangulation is the act of bringing a third person into a two-person conflict or dynamic. This isn't always malicious; people often vent to friends to blow off steam. However, when it becomes a recurring strategy, it prevents direct resolution, distorts reality, and stabilizes a dysfunctional system by deflecting tension.
This dynamic is especially potent in polyamorous relationships, a context you are very familiar with. The following article provides an excellent breakdown of the theory and its specific application to polyamory.
Triangulation in Polyamorous Relationships - Atwater Village Therapy
This article from Atwater Village Therapy clearly defines triangulation based on Bowen's family systems theory and outlines its negative consequences, particularly within interconnected polyamorous networks.
Please read the first few paragraphs, from the introduction to the definition. Then, continue reading to understand the three core problems that arise from this pattern: altering opinions of others, "freezing" the conflict, and adding stress to the person being triangulated.
As the article notes, this dynamic often casts people into predictable roles. This is famously captured by the Karpman Drama Triangle, a model from transactional analysis.
A manipulator will often adopt the Victim role to pull a third party (you) into the Rescuer role. Your target of "rescue" is framed as the Persecutor. This allows the manipulator to control the narrative and avoid direct responsibility.
Let's apply this:
- As a Lingerie Designer: A follower DMs you claiming another, smaller designer is "blatantly ripping off your work" (Persecutor). They position themselves as a concerned supporter (Victim, in a sense, of this perceived injustice) and encourage you to "call them out." They are trying to pull you into a conflict, positioning you as the powerful Rescuer.
- In the Poly Community: A partner ("Alissa") complains to you about their other partner, your metamour ("Blake"). Alissa is the Victim, Blake is the Persecutor, and you are being recruited as the Rescuer. By engaging, you risk damaging your own relationship with Blake based on Alissa's one-sided narrative, rather than encouraging Alissa and Blake to resolve their issues directly.
Part 2: Instrumentalizing Third Parties: Flying Monkeys and Narrative Warfare
Triangulation becomes truly weaponized when the third parties are not just passive listeners but are actively used to enforce the manipulator's will. These instrumentalized individuals are often called "flying monkeys," a term taken from The Wizard of Oz.
This video from clinical psychologist Dr. Ramani provides a clear definition of flying monkeys and why people fall into this role.
In this video, "How to handle flying monkeys," Dr. Ramani explains the psychological mechanics of how and why third parties are mobilized by a narcissist.
Watch the segment from the beginning, where she defines flying monkeys, explains who is vulnerable to being recruited, and describes the devastating emotional impact of this group betrayal.
As Dr. Ramani explains, the manipulator mobilizes these individuals to create a distorted consensus, making you feel isolated and gaslit. This is not just gossip; it's a form of reputational warfare.
To see this in action, we can analyze a well-documented case from the polyamory community involving the author Franklin Veaux. The following long-form essay analyzes testimony from his ex-partners, revealing a consistent pattern of triangulation used to control his partners and the public narrative.
Categorie: ABUSE IN POLYAMORY - Poly Pages
This is a detailed case study, and we will focus only on the sections that explicitly describe the mechanics of triangulation. It demonstrates how a public figure in an alternative community instrumentalized people to maintain control.
First, scroll down to the text just above the header "When his partners and ex-partners began talking..." You will see a series of quotes. Read the quote from Eve that begins "In a lot of ways...". Immediately after, read the exchange detailing how Franklin lied about an email from Amber, as described in the paragraph starting with "He said that [Amber]...". Finally, read the crucial summary from Eve that follows: "So you can see these ways...". This perfectly summarizes the goal of triangulation: to isolate people, prevent them from sharing stories, and create conflict that centers the manipulator while deflecting all blame. Now, scroll further down to the section that discusses Eli Sheff's analysis. Focus on the paragraph describing how Franklin pits a "shiny new girlfriend" against a "damaged" current partner. It starts with "she fails to mention the pattern of triangulation...". This demonstrates the cyclical nature of the abuse.
This case study, while complex, provides a real-world script for how a charismatic individual can instrumentalize entire networks of people. He fed new partners negative stories about current partners, creating wedges and ensuring he was the sole mediator of information. When his ex-partners began communicating directly, the entire manipulative structure became visible.
Part 3: Identifying Triangulation on Your Social Media
Recognizing triangulation in the fast-paced, often ambiguous world of social media is a critical skill. The tactics are often subtle and designed to give the manipulator plausible deniability. This video provides several concrete digital examples.
Triangulation: Narcissist Tool of Communication
This video, "Triangulation: Narcissist Tool of Communication," offers practical examples of what this looks like, many of which are directly applicable to social media.
Please watch the following segments for specific red flags: Killing Two Birds with One Stone: This section describes how a manipulator will manufacture jealousy by mentioning admiration from others or unfavorably comparing you to an ex. Social Media Triangulation: This part details specific online tactics, like refusing to be "Facebook official" to appear single, or strategically liking/tagging others to provoke a reaction. Recruiting Reinforcement & Smear Campaigns: This explains how manipulators enlist third parties to support their version of events and run smear campaigns, a direct threat to your public reputation. The Pre-Discard Smear: This describes how a manipulator will build a negative narrative about you with your mutual friends before a breakup, ensuring they have a sympathetic audience and you are already cast as the villain.
Based on these resources, here is a checklist of red flags for triangulation in your online communities:
- Information Brokering: Someone consistently brings you "news" or gossip about conflicts between other people in your community, positioning themselves as the central hub of information.
- Strategic Comparisons: In DMs or public comments, someone frequently compares you to others. This can be negative ("My ex would have never been so sensitive") or positive ("You're so much more enlightened than my primary partner"). Both are designed to create insecurity and division.
- Public Signaling: A follower or partner strategically likes, comments on, or engages with the content of a rival, an ex, or someone they know you feel insecure about, clearly intending for you to see it.
- Recruiting for a Cause: You are invited to join a "private group" or mass DM to discuss the "problematic" behavior of another community member. You're being recruited into a digital mob.
- "They Agree With Me": In a dispute, someone claims that a mutual friend or respected community figure agrees with their position, using that person's social capital to pressure you.
- The Go-Between: In a group chat or comment thread, one person relays messages between two others who are in conflict but won't speak directly, filtering all communication through their own lens.
Conclusion
In this lesson, we have moved beyond one-on-one manipulation to dissect the three-player dynamic of triangulation. This is a foundational tactic in social and reputational warfare, and recognizing it is your first line of defense.
Key Takeaways:
- Triangulation is the process of bringing a third party into a two-person dynamic to diffuse anxiety, avoid responsibility, and maintain control.
- It often follows the Karpman Drama Triangle, with the manipulator playing the Victim to recruit you as a Rescuer against a perceived Persecutor.
- Instrumentalized third parties, or "flying monkeys," are actively used to spread the manipulator's narrative, isolate targets, and conduct smear campaigns.
- In your online communities, this manifests as strategic gossip, public comparisons, weaponized social media engagement, and the formation of digital mobs.
You are now equipped with the theoretical models and practical red flags to identify when you are being pulled into a triangulated dynamic.
In our next lesson, we will continue exploring social positioning tactics by focusing on negging. We will define this strategy of using backhanded compliments to undermine confidence and analyze how it is used against creators who post provocative content like yours.